Hello world. It’s been slow of late; a halting of thoughts has led to a lack of words to spill. Yet I blabber on, like a monkey trapped in a large glass bottle. I listen to a lot of music; it takes me somewhere for a while. Away from the thoughts halted; when one can’t decide and, doesn’t really seem to want to let you decide, either; a simple escape becomes music.
Toxic, poisonous habits; not to do with substances, or with the material realm at all. Obsessing, assessing and then beating myself up; I’m ok, and I’ll be ok, with or without. A pious commitment that I haven’t even provided myself, how can I find myself so eager to put it all in the hands of another person? Objectively, not even a person who’s treating me awfully well. What are these crumbs that I stick around to get a whiff of; what is this addiction that still stirs happiness in me, upon mention of myself? I mention myself all day, my friends and family, well-wishers. Then what is this need to have validation through only her attention? I don’t want this love.
If I can see so much light outside, why is it that I get a call only when they’ve gone blind? Am I worth something, why do I take their calls when they won’t take mine? I am worth something, just not to her. Why does that matter, who’s loss is it anyway? A time spent, an escape and a fantasy; my own words thrown back at me, a pattern so obvious but I’m falling for something; and though I keep nothing safe, this danger I can’t explore.
Having dealt in the most inquisitive curios, believability has taken a very different form for me; so bendable, so easily manipulated. I’d really like to believe you, but I just can’t. Your words are like gems guiding this lost miner to the light of freedom; but it always pulls on my soul that you’re an illusion. Much nicer people out there, an inherent toxicity I cannot deny; cannot ignore.
Steer clear of the mermaid’s siren; you’re an oasis in this dessert; a mirage that I may have needed, but I’m feeling like it’s time to move on.
Written on Saturday, July 10, 2021
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